Summer Lovin’

A few months ago, I took a job at a local boutique.

 

Because my coaching practice is often remote — and my office is on my property — I realized I was craving more real, live human, “peopley” interaction. Also, I suspect my wardrobe needed a gentle reminder that pants without elastic still exist.

 

I am only there a few hours a week yet it’s proven to be such a lovely outlet for my little (occasional) extroverted soul.

 

What I’ve noticed out in the “wild” is much of what I witness in my coaching practice, only perhaps on a larger scale. And it has reinforced something I believe deeply:

 

Self-compassion is not optional. It is essential.

 

Without fail, every time I’m at the store, I watch beautiful, intelligent, funny women step into dressing rooms carrying far more than clothes. 

 

They stand in front of mirrors and immediately begin cataloging their perceived flaws.

 

Their arms.
Their bellies.
Their skin.
Their thighs.
Their age.
Their bodies.

 

Meanwhile, I’m standing there seeing their warmth, their beauty, their humanity, their essence.

 

But they can’t see it. That seems secondary to them.

 

What hurts most to witness it is how automatic it seems. The self-criticism is so practiced, so familiar, it almost sounds unconscious. As though the mind has rehearsed these lines for years. It has.

 

And of course, I hear this same pain far more deeply in my coaching practice.

 

Incredible women. Thoughtful women. Accomplished women.

 

Women who are endlessly compassionate toward others and ruthlessly hard on themselves.

 

Women who instinctively blame themselves before ever considering the complexity of life, relationships, conditioning, or circumstance.

 

And I find myself asking over and over:

 

Why are we so damn hard on ourselves?

 

Why has this quiet emotional violence become so normalized?

 

The truth is, there are both cultural and biological reasons at play here that I would love to bend your ear on in depth and over many glasses of wine another time because this is my jam but for now, what I feel compelled to tell you is that none of the negative, unkind and perceived faults that you believe and recite about yourself are true.

 

Our nervous systems are wired for safety, belonging, and approval. We learn very early that being accepted often means adapting, pleasing, achieving, performing, or abandoning parts of ourselves.

 

Now, you may be thinking, “But Jill, you don’t even know me” or “Sure, that applies to others but I know better”, “I should’ve done this differently” etc etc etc.

 

And I call BS on all of it . . . and from an informed and educated stance too. Believe me when I say, this is not toxic positivity – these are cultural conditions that prey upon our own biological wiring that is always on the look out for safety and belonging.

 

Over time, that internalized self-criticism can begin to feel like protection.

 

But it isn’t.

 

It’s just our sweet little outdated and misguided systems trying to keep us safe and yet in our souls, it has the very opposite effect.  Instead, it breeds disconnection and separateness and that, my sweet friend, is often why you feel lonely, exhausted, stuck, anxious, depressed and the like.

 

Now, if you feel resistant to my words right now – if you feel like this doesn’t apply to you – I gently invite you to pause and ask yourself:

 

And then perhaps even more importantly:

 

What if the things you’ve believed about yourself aren’t actually the truth?

 

What if the voice inside your head is not wisdom, but conditioning?

 

What if healing doesn’t come through more self-improvement, self-flagellation, or striving… but through compassion? Kindness? Generosity? Love?

 

Because this is what I know to be true — personally, professionally, and through years of study: Real healing only happens when we stop waging war against ourselves.

 

Recently, I’ve been deepening my studies in a therapeutic approach developed by Dr. Gabor Maté called Compassionate Inquiry. Like Internal Family Systems, somatic work, and many ancient yogic philosophies I pull from, it is rooted in one profound idea:

 

That healing happens not through judgment, but through loving curiosity.

 

Not through force.
Not through shame.
Not through fixing ourselves.

But through learning how to sit beside ourselves with compassion.

 

As we move into summer — with dressing rooms full of swimsuits, mirrors, harsh lighting, and all the vulnerability that comes with them — I ask you, ne’, I implore you to consider this:

 

What would happen if you redirected even a fraction of the energy you spend criticizing yourself?

 

What if you spoke to yourself the way you speak to those you love?

 

What if you offered yourself the same tenderness, grace, and understanding you so freely extend to everyone else?

 

Can you imagine how much energy would return to you?

 

How much joy?
How much creativity?
How much freedom?

 

Imagine what could emerge if you were no longer held captive by the exhausting belief that you are somehow not enough.  This is not just hyperbole, my friend. The freedom and peace you can experience from offering yourself trust, reverence and compassion is real.

 

Because beneath all the conditioning, all the protection, all the striving…

There is your real self waiting for you.

 

Whole.
Wise.
Beautiful.
Worthy.

 

And coming home to her changes everything. It’s certainly worth considering, dontcha think?

 

With boundless love,
Jill xo