Summer always makes me feel nostalgic. I think it’s the season where we get to be most child-like and playful. I tend to recall memories that have been lost in the vault of age but I find myself particularly reflective this summer.
For the most part, I was a pretty well-behaved kid but I certainly had my moments and as such, every once in a while, found myself with a bar of soap in my mouth. For those of you that aren’t familiar with this tried-and-true parenting technique of the 70’s, it was in effort to metaphorically and literally clean out the mouths of kiddos that mouthed off . . . and I was known to have a little sass from time to time, thus the Jill-sized bite marks in random bars of Dial. Those moments were always accompanied by the directive to “Watch your language, young lady”.
While I like to think that I’ve outgrown the soapy-mouth chapters of my life, I have found myself saying those very same words to my clients recently. “Watch your Language” . . . but with a different spin.
Rarely does a day go by when I do not hear a woman, whether she is a client, friend, family member or acquaintance, say something diminishing about herself. Things like, “ugh, I am so stupid” or “I am not smart enough for XYZ” or “I’m such an idiot”. These are just some examples from this week and as you can imagine, the list goes on.
There are specific reasons for why this tends to be the language of women more than men and why self-deprecating humor and devaluing comments seem to be somewhat socially acceptable. But dang, it hurts; it hurts to hear it and it hurts to say it.
I am reminded of a dear friend who years ago gently reprimanded another woman who was making a self-deprecating remark. Hers was a lesson that has stayed with me for over a decade and I believe it to be just as powerful now as it was then.
My friend simply asked the other woman if she would say those same words to her best friend. Of course, the reply was “No”.
“If they’re not good enough for your best friend, then why are they good enough for you?” was my friend’s retort. There it was. Mic Drop.
As women, we’re so very accustomed to using language that is unkind and disparaging (and downright false!) to ourselves. We do it so often, that we rarely recognize the words that come out of our mouths and yet, they hold power much beyond what we realize. My friend instinctively saw this.
How we speak to and of ourselves is directly tied to our thoughts and beliefs. “Watching our language” or becoming aware of the words we use helps us recognize some of the beliefs we hold about ourselves. And knowledge, as we know, is power so once we recognize the beliefs, we can begin to dismantle the untruths.
While getting to the root layer of this belief is deeper work, we start with the simple act of awareness. Watching our language is the paramount first step.
And here’s how, as my friend suggested . . .
When you speak or hear the stories you tell in your head, ask yourself . . .
➡️ Would I say these words to my dear friend?
➡️ Would I say them to my daughter or my niece?
➡️ How would I feel if I heard my friend and/or daughter say these words?
➡️ Would I agree?
Spoiler alert: NOOOOOOO!
Chances are, you would never say these things to those you love. Why? because one, they’re not true and two, because it hurts.
So, here’s the rule of thumb: If you wouldn’t say such things to them, you sure as heck don’t say them about yourself.
And here’s a beautiful thing: the more you watch your language and the more you correct it to something kind, you’ll begin to notice that those negative words and stories don’t actually feel good to you any longer.
I challenge you to bring this litmus test into your own world. Think of it as your own proverbial bar of soap.
Listen closely to what you say, and to the thoughts you hear floating through your mind. I suspect that this simple act of watching and then shifting your language accordingly will have a monumental impact not just on your heart but on your wider perception of your world.
And girl, there is too much goodness, rightness and enoughness in you to tolerate anything less ♥️