Have you ever heard yourself say something along the lines of . . .
“If only I had this job, I would feel successful”
“If only I had this much money, then I would be happy”
“If only I had this relationship then I would feel loved”
Basically some rendition of “If only I had this (fill in the blank) then I would feel (this emotion)?
This is the goal-setting and achieving equation of “Do, Have, Be”. It suggests that first I do the thing/take the action (DO), then I get/receive a result from that action (HAVE) and that defines who I am (BE). For example, “I work this job which enables me to live in this house and I now can define myself as someone who is smart, responsible and successful”. This is the traditional and predominant structure in our culture and is an equation that upholds our collective values of achievement, success, and drive.
Here’s the problem with it though . . . It’s a seemingly pragmatic model until the “Do” no longer is fulfilling so the “Have” is no longer worth it and we’re left uncertain of our “Be”.
This was certainly my MO and then several years ago I was introduced to a different approach. At the time, I thought I was signing up for a Goal-Setting workshop which was always music to my high-achieving, goal-driven (yet, burned out) ears but instead the facilitator, the wise and wonderful Steph Jagger, turned the concept on its head.
In Steph’s model, Instead of the ol’ “Do, Have, Be”, she proposed the inverse; a radical and far more generative equation: BE, DO, HAVE. In this model, our truth and authentic self is at the core and thus informs everything else from there. So for instance, I am (fill in the blank: creative, loving, funny, intuitive . . .) and so what I do (artist, doctor, comedian, therapist . . . ) is simply a natural expression of my being and from there, I naturally receive from that equation (joy, money, ease, connection . . . ).
More recently, I was re-introduced to a variation of this equation through the work of Kate Northrup, another wise and innovative thought leader. And here’s what I have come to find, not just in my own life but in those of my clients, moving from our BEing first is a far more sustainable and truly, a more compassionate option.
The traditional model of ‘Do, Have, Be” is limiting because it relies on external data to define one’s value and identity. If our sense of self is tied to what job we have, what car we drive, where we live, etc. it leaves us open and quite vulnerable to the ever-changing ideals of our culture. It’s like running a race with a finish line that is always being pushed back and you never quite reach.
But we eliminate that when we receive our DOing from our true and genuine BEingness and the “HAVEs” from that equation are far richer and far sweeter than we could even imagine!
Here’s why: As a woman who works to help her clients get unstuck, and live with joy, ease and freedom, (and frankly, prefers to live there herself) I have come to know that the pathway needs to be one of sustainability. And sustainability will only derive from origins of the soul, not the culture. Eventually, if our “Doing” is motivated by the external, we will find ourselves in some form of distress because even the promise of the “Have” will no longer fulfill us.
It’s daunting to consider such a model because it can feel quite disruptive. It may not make everyone happy, in fact it may downright disappoint or anger some, and that is hard (another post for another day!) so the path of least resistance is to seemingly stay within the box. And that actually might be perfect for many but:
When that stuckness arises
When resentment begins to surface
When burnout is right around the corner
When utter exhaustion is the norm
When our physical bodies hurt
Then we know that it is no longer serving us.
But . . .
When we move from our own innate and inherent value
When we lead from our own BEingness;
When we summon the courage to be ourselves, truly and authentically
When we build our lives around it
Our whole world opens up and the joy, freedom, connection and clarity we so desire is right there waiting for us.
I thank both Steph and Kate because I now know personally the freedom that comes from living from my truth and the beauty that I receive as a result AND I have lived the other side of exhaustion, frustration and aimlessness too. So let’s save you the time! Follow the breadcrumbs to your Beingness so that you can know the joy and purpose that await you too ♥️
PS you have a whole gaggle of us cheering you on!