Everybody needs boundaries. Most of us recognize that boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and a balanced life. So then why can setting boundaries be so difficult?
One of the biggest barriers to boundary setting is guilt, especially for women. It’s normal to feel guilty when we’re new to boundary setting. It’s so normal, in fact, that we don’t often question why this is the case.
There are a few main reasons why we feel guilty when setting boundaries. These are:
● Social expectations
● Taking on other peoples’ stuff, and
● Other emotions disguised as guilt
I’ll go over each of these more in this blog. I hope that getting some clarity on what you are feeling can help to empower you in your boundary setting journey.
Social Expectations
For women in particular, boundary setting can feel like going against everything that you’ve been raised to believe is right and ok. We’re expected to be “nice,” to go with the flow, and to focus on everyone around us, even if that means rejecting ourselves.
Going against the grain can be scary, and we may not always like the responses we receive. Standing up for ourselves can involve conflict, changes in relationships, and changes in how we are perceived. When we feel “guilty” for setting boundaries, we may not be feeling like we did something wrong so much as we are policing ourselves to prevent rejection.
When you are feeling guilty about setting boundaries, ask yourself – do I actually think this is wrong, or do I think I am supposed to think that it’s wrong?
Taking on Other Peoples’ Stuff
Setting boundaries can mean disappointing others. It can also mean being honest about how someone’s actions are affecting you, and that honesty can hurt. If someone’s feelings are hurt, or if they are disappointed, it can be easy to assume that you are responsible for their experience.
If you are in a relationship where you feel that a boundary is necessary in order for you to be able to feel safe and loved, you are simply acknowledging the truth of the reality of your situation. You can’t fake safety, and you can’t fake trust. Being honest about your experience and your needs may provide a mirror for someone that they don’t want to see.
It’s normal not to want to see others hurt. The intention of boundaries is certainly not to be cruel or attack. But when we take on guilt, we may be assuming that others are not autonomous, protecting them from the consequences of their own behavior.
When you are feeling guilty about setting boundaries, ask yourself – did I really do something wrong? Or am I taking on the consequences of somebody else’s actions?
Other Emotions Disguised as Guilt
Guilt can actually be a useful emotion. If we feel guilty for cheating, stealing, or lying, then that uncomfortable feeling is actually a positive motivator to change behavior that could be hurting others and ourselves. But when we feel guilt about doing something that isn’t actually wrong, we need to get curious about those feelings.
Fixating on guilt can actually serve as a distraction from emotions that are harder to feel. Instead of feeling guilty, we might actually be feeling sad about the disappointment we feel in our relationships. Or we might feel shame because we feel unworthy of the boundaries we need to set. We might also feel fear about what setting our boundaries will mean, and how they could change our lives.
Setting boundaries brings up a lot of deep stuff.
When you feel what you perceive as guilt in response to setting boundaries, ask yourself – am I feeling guilt, or am I feeling shame, sadness, or fear?
Don’t let guilt get in the way of setting the boundaries that you need to find balance, improve relationships, and increase your self worth. Exploring the guilt that you’re experiencing can lead to clarity and determination. Spend some time with these questions, and see where they lead.
Bio: Robin Arnett, LCSW, runs a private telehealth therapy practice from Central Oregon, and is licensed in Oregon and Colorado. She specializes in EMDR, Internal Family Systems therapy, and ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP), and loves to work with women who consider themselves to be highly-sensitive persons. Robin developed a course on boundaries for women called the Intuitive Boundaries Mastery Series, and runs groups for women working through the course together. She also runs in-person EMDR intensive sessions and retreats integrating EMDR and KAP. Learn more about Robin and her practice on the Empowered Hearts Collective website.