Oh my dear friend, what a state this world seems to be in right now. I try not to engage too much and strive to find a balance between being informed and not going down the rabbit hole of despair and ooof, it can be like walking a tightrope at times.
It can be hard to remember the humanity of another when our perspectives lend themselves to judgement, fear and disconnection. I have felt overwhelmed and unsure of how I can help or what actions I can take to mend these ruptures. And then I remember that change and healing start in the small and open spaces.
I was recently reminded of a concept that I had come across many years ago by Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom and a pioneer in the space of compassionate healing in the healthcare world. Her use of “Generous Listening” is not only groundbreaking and timely, but very simple. While she applied this concept to her work with patients, it’s one that can transfer to other areas as well, namely how we communicate in our often heightened discourse. And for me personally, it is the kind and loving path forward I seek.
“Generous Listening” as Dr. Remen defines it is listening to only what’s true for the other person. It means listening openly, without judgement or defensiveness, without trying to understand or fix why they feel the way they do but to simply and respectfully receive their truth.
So often in our interactions with others, we engage from our own stance. Simply put, we make it about us. Not intentionally nor selfishly but humanly. We tend to listen critically – ready to defend ourselves or assume we know how to solve another’s problem. We often find ourselves reloading, meaning that rather than truly hearing what’s in front of us, we are crafting our own response.
But if we can take ourselves out of the equation; if we can put our own beliefs, judgements, and stories aside we open the field of connection in a way that Dr. Remen suggests can only “strengthen all parties”. We create a safe space for both to let their guard down and to be seen.
Really, at the heart of all suffering is fear and a lack of connection and belonging. Listening generously, whether that is in a political discourse, with a coworker, a friend or most often within our own families, has the potential to reshape and heal both of you and that ripple effect reaches so much farther and wider than any destruction ever could.
If the world and its suffering (and your suffering within it) feels overwhelming, I encourage you to observe your next interaction.
▶️ Notice how you can listen generously.
▶️ Notice where you find yourself struggling to do so and get curious about why.
▶️ Notice if judgements of the other or yourself arise
▶️ Notice if you feel the impulse to defend yourself
▶️ Notice what happens if you step aside and stay open.
Listening Generously is a practice and a skill and one that can also be strengthened over time, just like your interactions.
With so much love and tender care for you, sweet friend.